Vita Rabinovich
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INCIDENT No.89: Vita Rabinovich





The Relationship between Campaign Spending and C. parasitus

There is a long held tradition, in the United States, of presidential hopefuls partaking in public eating- otherwise known as “political eating”- particularly at the Iowa State Fair. As a campaign tactic, this “political eating” aims to endear politicians to voters by showing their appreciation for American foods and thereby conveying that they, themselves, represent the everyman

In 2014, the American Enterprise Institute released a groundbreaking study detailing the correlation between presidential campaign spending and the growth of Culus parasitus  (C.parasitus), a parasitic rectal bacterium. Previous research has established that C.parasitus thrives on poly-hydrogenated oil and corn soy byproduct, which, interestingly, are the primary food products served at the Iowa state fair and other American venues. The implications of this study are profound, as it allows one to predict the success of presidential campaigns based on how many times a candidate has been photographed eating a corn dog, hot dog, ice cream, etc., and by the level of C.parasitus found in their anus and the anuses of their constituents. By these standards, it can be predicted that Donald Trump and Hillary Clinton will win by popular vote.

What can be said of those who do not have political eating photographs readily available on Google image? Some people say that these contenders are mere neophytes and, in turn, not fit to govern a nation. Others say that this suggests only that they are lacking in campaign contributions from large nondescript corporate and private funds. And yet others find that what these candidates may have been doing with their time instead are effects worthy of examination in cross-sectional studies within future versions of projected analysis. 

The quotes featured on these 2016 campaign pins are borrowed from presidential campaigns past, from each party respectively:

Republican, Thomas E. Dewey, 1944: "Keep the ass off the white house grass."

Democrat, Lyndon B. Johnson, 1960: "In your guts you know he's nuts."